Wouldn’t you agree, good relationships take hard work. No matter whether you are enjoying young love or are married since several decades, every relationship comes with its own set of challenges and times of adversities. Money, communication, children and intimacy are just some of the common topics couples struggle with. Differences in opinions, values and strategies lead to disagreements and fights, which eventually can make a couple feel misunderstood and disconnected from each other. A relationship that seemed to be grounded in love and mutual respect can thus easily turn into a battlefield of bruised egos.
As a guest on Empowerment Radio show Dr. Stan Tatkin, author of “Wired for Love – a complete insider’s guide to understanding your partner’s brain and enjoying a romantic relationship built on love and trust” writes:
“In our modern Western culture, marriage for love tends to be the norm. We expect to be swept off our feet or to feel whole and completed or to believe we’ve met our soul mate. And we expect this profound connection to sustain our relationship. Nothing seems more important. However, these feelings and ideals often exact a price if we as partners are unable to provide one another with a satisfying level of security. The truth is, even if a couple does experience a profound connection, this represents only the beginning of their relationship. What ultimately counts in the life of the couple is what happens after their courtship, love affair, or infatuation phase. What counts is their ability to be there for one another, no matter what.”
One of the powerful suggestions Dr. Tatkin introduces in his book is the couple bubble, which describes the mutually constructed membrane, cocoon, or womb that holds a couple together and protects each partner from outside elements.
Dr. Stan says: “A couple bubble is an intimate environment that the partners create and sustain together and that implicitly guarantees such things as:
- “I will never leave you.”
- “I will never frighten you purposely.”
- “When you are in distress, I will relieve you, even if I’m the one who is causing the distress.”
- “Our relationship is more important than my need to be right, your performance, your appearance, what other people think or want, or any other competing value.”
- “You will be the first to hear about anything and not the second, third, or fourth person I tell.
The couple bubble is an agreement to put the relationship before anything and everything else. It means putting your partner’s well- being, self-esteem, and distress relief first. And it means your partner does the same for you. You both agree to do it for each other. Therefore, you say to each other, “We come first.” In this way, you cement your relationship. It is like making a pact or taking a vow, or like reinforcing a vow you already took with one another.”
But what do you do, if your couple bubble has burst – or never existed in the first place? How do you prevent this bubble from creating co-dependency? Is unconditional love and acceptance for your partner realistic – even if their behavior hurts you?
Listen as I speak with Dr. Stan Tatkin on Empowerment Radio to get answers to all these questions and to learn how to have a good fight with your partner, why you need more than love to make a relationship work and why looking for your soul-mate may be a waste of time.